God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Randomize
