I accidentally burped into my bong.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
