I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
