I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
