you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
so the guy who showed me the apt today is now texting me and asking me out for drinks...he's at least 20 yrs oldr than me and highlights his hair, but part of me is wondering how low i can talk him down in rent during sex? wrong?
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
