Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Randomize
