i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
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