Hahaha, sighhhh...I texted him to no response. It's a shame, really...I would gladly exchange my body for pizza rills.
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Holy shit dude........stairs
Randomize
