she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
That's not ass to mouth..... That a rim job!! Are you telling me she licked your asshole?!
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize
