i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
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