At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Randomize
