bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Randomize
