omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
Is it 'vaginas' or 'vaginae?'. Either way there were a shit ton of them.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
