omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
