i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
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