I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Randomize
