We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
