I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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