I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
I know he is still a student. I am not asking if his being an underwear model makes it more ethical, just less prosocutable.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Randomize
