Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
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