im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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