So #1 way to come back last night and #2 wishbone and I broke into his house and i opened joey's door and u were both passed out and pantless.
You know it's time to leave Spain when you are back and forth between Skype and a Spanish dictionary trying to figure out out to say "I can still smell you on my skin."
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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