Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
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