No stitches, just platelets and will power
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
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