Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Randomize
