I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
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