I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
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