As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Randomize
