I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Randomize
