does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
U Should have said " it's ok baby most girls Sh*t when I do that.
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
