Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
susan atkins died, charles manson's lady
dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Randomize
