Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Randomize
