I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
hahahahahahhahahahaha. 26, Dominican, has a funny accent, thinks I'm hot. Tots boning.
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
Randomize
