He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
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If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
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My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
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