cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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