hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Randomize
