I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
We had sex on a dog bed..
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Randomize
