Swine flu. Run for my life!
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
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