made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
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