You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
