About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Randomize
