all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
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