She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Randomize
