3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Randomize
