Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
false alarm. still invincible.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Randomize
