Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
