I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
Is it 'vaginas' or 'vaginae?'. Either way there were a shit ton of them.
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
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