just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
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