There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
Randomize
