Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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