Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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