Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
