Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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