I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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