actually, I'm a sock model
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
