I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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