I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize
