I wish they made helmets for livers.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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