Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
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