Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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