Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
