I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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