He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
